Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes ... no really, it does!

I’d like to say that I had some great epiphany that inspired me to finally, after all this time, update my blog.  But I can’t.  I have to be honest and say the inspiration came from bird shit!  That’s right; bird poo has been an inspiration to me.  Let that sink in a moment.

When I was leaving the house this morning I noticed that a bird had pooped on my car.  It wasn’t really a stroke of great detective work; after all it was all over my driver’s door.  But it got me thinking, which in itself is something any psychiatrist would agree is odd, and when I start thinking it has a tendency to take my mind places it probably should never go.  I can get to thinking about world peace and end up at chickens … with really no idea HOW I ended up at chicken.  But I digress…

According to an old wives tale (which gets me thinking, do they mean an old wife said it or the tale itself is old?  See how that happens?) When a bird poos on your vehicle it is good luck.  Now I would think right off the bat that it would be good luck for the bird, but they mean it’s good luck for the driver of the vehicle.  Doesn’t make much sense does it?  Apply that thought to life in general.  If I jumped up on somebody’s car, dropped my drawers, and pooed; I don’t see that ending in either of us feeling “lucky” … but if a bird does it?  Who came up with this and how did it become “a thing”?

Off to Google I went.  And as a Public Service Announcement I should mention that if you feel the need to Google “Bird pooing” make sure your SAFE SEARCH is on, but that should really go without saying.  According to what I was able to find on the vast information super highway (do they even call it that anymore?) here is the origin of the bird poo superstition:

                Many people the world over believe that if a bird lets loose on you, then good things are coming your way. One idea is that it's a sign of major wealth coming from heaven, based on the belief that when you suffer an inconvenience (albeit a pretty gross one), you'll have good fortune in return.

So it seems it’s the old “Ying and Yang” thing … out of something bad, comes something good.  Now it doesn’t say WHEN this originated, but I’m going to guess it was during a time when there was a very high population of birds … and I mean A LOT of pooing birds.  It had to be a time in this world where things were bad, and I mean REAL bad, like black plague bad.  I mean how bad could your life be that getting shit on would mean things were going to start looking up?  “I just lost my job, my wife left me, and my house burned down … but a bird just shit on me, so there’s that!”  Look, I play golf, a game where you take a small ball and try to hit it into a small hole 400 yards away, so  I get the gist of dumb ideas becoming a “thing”.  I just would have loved to have been there when the first person got pooed on and someone was able to convince him it was a sign of good luck.  Say what you want, but that’s one good salesman right there.

As I always do, while “researching” the bird poo theory I got side-tracked and began looking at the origins of other old wives tales.  When I was a little kid I could always remember my Grandmother saying that if you stepped on a Spider, it would rain.  I also remember her saying “Charlie, get off the f&%king counter” … Charlie was her cat, not my grandfather.  So I Googled that (the spider thing, not the cat thing).  Turns out this IS a “thing” too, and if you read up on it you will find other spider related tales.

For Example:

-When spiders are many and spinning their webs, the spell will soon be very dry. (this one here doesn’t even rhyme, so questions its legitimacy)

-An old saying about grass spiders: when there is dew on their webs in the lawn in the morning, it will be a beautiful day. (Not many good poet “Tale” writers it seems)

-When spiders spin their webs 'fore noon, Sunny weather's coming soon. (FINALLY, one that flows!)

-In winter, if spiders actively weave their webs, run backwards and forwards, fight with each other and hang on new threads, it means that there will be a cold spell in nine to ten days. (I have given up on my rhyming theory at this point)

-In summer, if spiders build new webs or restore old ones, this forecasts a change to better weather. "doing the spiders' best" means a fine weather.

So with these lessons learned I now have to ask the question “Why do we have all these meteorologists who never get the weather right?  Let’s fire their asses and just put a bunch of spiders around the world and just watch what THEY do?”  I mean really, they couldn't be any worse, right?

Ahhh, but hold on young grasshopper.  The spider is also a sign of luck, both good and bad!

-All spiders except tarantulas are omens of good luck. The larger the spider, the bigger the rewards. 

(Unless you find it in the morning apparently … keep reading).

            -Finding a spider in the morning – Sorrow

And then I found this little nugget:

Kill a spider, bad luck yours will be
Until of flies you've swatted fifty-three.

OK, I just put that one there because it rhymes!

Looking back, I realize this post doesn't really teach us anything, but it did keep me looking busy at work for a little bit … so there’s that!

As far as a bird pooing on your car being good luck?  I can’t say we got to the bottom of that great mystery; but after giving it a little thought, I can say, with almost 100% certainty, that the person who DID come up with that may not have been wise, may not have been old, but certainly was lazy!

“Hey a bird just shit on your car, you going to wash it off?”

“Nah, it’s good luck!”

(Oh, I also learned that Microsoft Word does not recognize poo, pooing, pooed, or pooping as properly spelled words and had I NOT turned off auto-correct, this entire post would have been about pogoing.)

From my Soapbox ... this will just be a minute!

I usually keep my blog post pretty light-hearted and not too controversial. I am going to try and do the same with this one … BUT I GOTTA VENT!!!

I see on the news that a Governor from a state I won’t mention (but it rhymes with Rhode Island) thinks that we should now call it a HOLIDAY TREE. Are you kidding me? Hey ding-dong, we call it a Christmas Tree because it’s a DECORATION for Christmas! A HOLIDAY tree would be something you get for any holiday … c’mon kids, get in the car we’re going to cut down our Independence Day Tree! I think not Gov’ner!

Now before anyone jumps down my throat and argues the whole “separation of church and state” let me say this… On December 25th you don’t get your mail delivered, the state offices are closed and anything “governmental” is shut down. So you can take your “separation of church and state” argument and toss that right out the window. Yes, December 25th is the celebration of Baby Jesus’ birth, but from all of my Sunday school classes I learned Mary was visited by three wise men … nothing about a fat guy in a red suit with reindeers! Religion has been so far removed from the Christmas celebration; which in itself is disturbing to some people but I have to pick my battles here. What Santa and Rudolph have to do with the birth of Baby Jesus makes about as much sense to me as what a bunny hiding eggs has to do with celebrating his resurrection!

I went to high school in a predominately Jewish town, because of that we got all of the Jewish holidays off from school. Was it because the Jewish people wanted us to celebrate their days and conform to their religious beliefs? Nope, it was simple math … MOST of the students wouldn’t be in school due to the fact they were celebrating their Jewish holidays Sooooooo, they closed the schools! Was I offended as a non-Jewish person, being forced to take a day off for something that didn’t pertain to me? Uhm, NO … it was an extra day off people! When my Jewish friends would say to each other “Happy Hanukkah” did it make me uncomfortable? Nope… in fact I am sure I uttered those same exact words to many of my Jewish friends. To be honest I’m not even fully clear on the meaning behind Hanukkah, but why should that stop me from wishing my friends who did understand Hanukkah a happy one?

Now I am not saying it’s the Jewish people behind the “Holiday” tree thing … I don’t think my Christmas Tree offends any Jewish person nor does their Menorah offend me. No it’s not the religious people complaining … it’s the people that just need to bitch about something complaining. These are the same people who believe every kid should get a trophy in Tee-Ball. Our world has become to “mushy-mushy let’s all sit by a fire and sing Kumbaya”… oops, wait … that’s a religious song huh? Wow, how insensitive of me! I say bullshit, stop giving every kid a trophy!

I played sports as a kid. I played baseball, soccer, basketball, hockey and football. Hell, I even wrestled in High School. But do you know where I spent most of my time during these “sporting years”? On the bench! Why? Because I sucked for the most part! I played Little League baseball and I was afraid of the ball; makes it very difficult to hit or catch the thing if you close your eyes every time it comes within 2 feet of you! Soccer I played when I was really young and running around the grass after a little white ball just never appealed to me (until I started playing golf, but that’s different, I can drink now!). Basketball I played during middle school. Let me just say I was 5’4” until sophomore year in High School … now you know why I sucked at Basketball. Hockey was a High School sport I played but at the time in my life I was more interested in hitting people… I had the checking down but the puck handling and skating backwards I just didn’t have a knack for. I ended most seasons with more individual penalties than I did individual points! Football I was actually pretty good at and wrestling was the perfect outlet for me… I actually combined the two sports during my last football game! What’s this got to do with anything? Nothing really, except for the fact that with all the sports I played I never got a trophy … and I was OK with that!

Oh, and since we are on the topic of sports for a second I would like to add that if I was running towards the end zone about to score the winning touchdown … you can bet your yellow flag throwing, “don’t taunt the other team” preaching, Mr. “I don’t know how to use my common sense” refereeing ass I’m throwing my hand up in the air! I think that kid should have just told the ref he was so excited he was going to score that he started to piss himself and out of habit he just raised his hand to ask for a bathroom pass!

But I digress…

The point I’m trying to make here is that, as a society, we have become too soft. We spend all this time and energy trying to make everyone happy and feel accepted. That’s not reality folks. Reality is this country is a melting pot with a wide array of people who all have their own thoughts and beliefs. Some are widely popular, others not so much. That doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong, it just means we think differently! If it offends you that we are lighting the lights on a Christmas tree … don’t come to the tree lighting, stay home, I won’t be offended! But please, for all things that exist, stop with this Politically Correct bullshit already, will ya? I can’t keep up with it any more.

It’s 2011 and I’m not sure if I should refer to my buddy as a black guy or African American or is he a person of color?!?! I have an Irish name but I am actually Italian … should I refer to myself as an Italian American with Irish influences? Wait, actually maybe I should say I am an Italian NORTH American with Irish influences. Don’t want to offend anyone in South America. But wait, what if I moved to South America and became a citizen and had kids? They would be an Italian-North American-with Irish influences-South American, right?

Let’s do this, let’s make things simple for everyone … how about you just pay attention to what matters to you! If my Christmas Tree offends you don’t look at it! If me wishing someone a Merry Christmas offends you, don’t listen to my conversation! If it offends you that I call you black then tell me what it is you would like to be referred to as BUT STOP CHANGING IT! If I accidentally refer to you as Puerto Rican only to find out you are actually Dominican, Sorry! That’s an honest mistake and there is a good chance I will make it again! The same goes for any Chinese, Japanese or Koreans. I’m not being insensitive I just can’t keep up with all of the politically correct bullshit that is constantly changing!

Oh, and if your kid sucks at sports don’t be pissed they didn’t get a trophy. Use that opportunity to teach them that if they want something in life they have to WORK AT IT! Maybe even explain to them that not everything is for everyone. Maybe sports just ain’t their thing! And if your kid IS good at sports and wants to celebrate the fact they just got the winning touchdown, then let them throw their hands up in the air (even let them say “AY-O” if they want too!), let them know that it’s OK for them to be proud of their accomplishments. Sure, there will be kids that are sad because they lost … but if they don’t suffer the agony of defeat they will never truly enjoy the thrill of victory.

The kids I went to High School with had their Menorahs and I had my Christmas Tree and we all got along just fine. So please, stop giving all the kids a trophy, let my Jewish friends celebrate with their Menorah, my black-Africa-American-People of Color Friends celebrate Kwanzaa if they chose and let me enjoy my Christmas Tree. You? You go out and have the best of whatever it is you chose to celebrate!

Merry Christmas!

Old dog ... and awkward moments!

Have you ever heard someone ask the question “Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”… Of course you have! But I honestly think no one has ever actually SAID that because, although I have heard the question asked many times, I have never heard anyone have an answer.

You actually CAN teach an old dog new tricks … if by old you mean early 40’s and if by dog you mean ME. I continue to learn new things every day. Some I am even fortunate enough to learn the easy way, but most … well most come the hard way. As I sit here listening to the rain come down I decided to sit down and share some of the lessons I have learned and, more importantly, HOW I learned them … enjoy!

Anyone who has ever worked “on the road” knows that one of the most important aspects of your job is to know where the cleanest and easiest accessible public bathrooms are located. If you tend to work in one general area you will know where most of them are and no doubt you will find one that becomes your favorite. I had one of those, a favorite public bathroom.

This location was centrally located, always clean and had plenty of stalls so there was never a wait … important characteristics in the world of public bathrooms. I can honestly say I actually learned many a lesson in this restroom; like YES, .63 cents is enough for some people to come back and knock on an occupied stall door to retrieve … but that is another story for another blog. Today I want to share with you the day I learned a bunch of new things in just one “sitting”.

It was mid-day and I had just finished a good lunch. Now it was time to pick up the newspaper and rest … hey, they call it a restroom, right? Now as I sat there reading the paper it happened … the lights went out! So here is a list of things I learned that fateful day:
1. The motion activated light switch in this particular bathroom shuts off after 15 minutes of motionless.
2. Public bathrooms become VERY dark when the lights go out on you.
3. It is impossible to throw enough toilet paper over the wall to try and re-activate a motion detecting light switch, crumpled up newspaper doesn’t work either.
4. When a complete stranger walks into said restroom, thus activating motion detecting light switch, and sees a bunch of toilet paper and newspaper strewn all over the floor then hears me exclaim, from the end stall, “Oh, thank God” … well, this will always lead up to an awkward moment!


Let’s move on to another lesson learning adventure shall we? Working in a customer’s home one day with a fellow co-worker and in order to get to where we needed to get we had to navigate around these porcelain statues the customer had all over the room. As my co-worker was attempting to squeeze into this one spot he accidentally bumped into one of these statues. This one was in a glass case, stood about 3 feet tall, was dressed in a red robe and had a white face with bright red cheeks. As I lunged to catch it from falling I yelled out “Watch out, don’t knock over the clown!” This is the day I learned that there is a religion that actually has a God that happens to look like a clown, and I also learned that when you call someone’s God a clown, they become very irate. Which I can understand, because I see it as the equivalent to someone seeing a picture of Jesus on your wall and asking “Hey, who’s the hippie?” … again, another awkward moment!

One trend I see in my life is that often speak before I think. Like the day I had a customer ask me if I could move her TV for her. I explained that my company did not allow that and if I was to move the TV and it broke I would personally be responsible for it, a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I then went out to my truck to grab some tools and when I came back into her apartment she was carrying the TV into the living room. Being the concerned individual that I am I said “You shouldn’t be carrying a TV when you are pregnant” … anyone want to guess this lesson learned? Yeah, never, ever, never assume a woman is pregnant! Unless she actually says to you “I am pregnant” just assume she is fat and keep your mouth shut. Oh, what happened next? Awkward moment!

As I think I have demonstrated in the above stories; you can teach an old dog new tricks … but 9 times out of 10 the lesson will end in an awkward moment!

Turning 40 ... and my tickle spot!

This morning I had to go for an Eco-Cardiogram and as I sat in the waiting room I began to reflect on how much my doctor visits have changed in the last two years. So I think it’s only fair that I start this post with a warning: IF YOU ARE A MALE UNDER 40 THERE MAY BE THINGS IN THIS POST YOU FIND SHOCKING AND MAYBE EVEN DISTURBING! If you are a male over 40 then you know damn well what I am about to talk about is TRUTH! If you are a woman of any age you may be pissed off once you realize how easy we actually have it at the doctor’s office.

When it comes to the doctors guys have it easy. Really the worst thing we have to deal with at any exam is the “turn and cough” routine. Other than that it’s the usual breath sounds, blood pressure, pulse and the pressing on the stomach. OK, I will admit I am VERY ticklish and the stomach thing always gets me, very embarrassing when I start giggling during an exam. But there it is … that is the extent of our physicals. UNTIL WE TURN 40!

At age 40 is when the doctors want to start poking and probing around other areas of your body. They call it “preventive measures” … which I think is so ironic because for the past 40 years I’ve been preventing that very area from being poked or probed by anything!

Now before you start to call me immature let me remind you; I STILL GIGGLE WHEN THE DOCTOR PRESSES ON MY BELLY. I know that because the first time a doctor pressed on my belly I giggled. THAT’S how I found out about THAT tickle spot … This isn’t the time in my life I want to find out I have “another tickle spot” … I can’t imagine me starting to giggle at that particular time would sit well with my doctor.

OH, here’s a “The more you know” moment for the younger readers: If your current doctor is a big guy and has hands like and NFL linebacker … get a new doctor before you turn 40! (Insert NBC’s jingle “The more you know…” here). You are Welcome!

Now some people may say I got lucky because when I went for my exam the doctor decided it would be best for me to have a colonoscopy due to some issues I was having with my stomach. So in lieu of the poking and probing, he was going to send me for a colonoscopy. That triggered some mixed emotions for me. It was like watching my ex-wife drive off a cliff in my brand new BMW… I was relieved yet sickened at the same time!

If you have ever had a colonoscopy then you know the worst thing about a colonoscopy is the PREP. If you have never had a colonoscopy then you should know the worst thing about a colonoscopy is listening to people who have had a colonoscopy tell you about how awful the prep is going to be for you. In short? IT SUCKS! Let me explain…

First you have to drink this disgusting mixture of water and what I can only describe as CHAULK! Then? Well then the fun begins! When I had to drink my mixture I had a good friend standing next to me yelling “drink, drink, drink”. This is funny, because 20 years ago he was more than likely standing beside me screaming the same thing as I chugged a bottle of Tequila. Chugging a bottle of Tequila and chugging a bottle of “the drink” both have the same end result … they just come from opposite ends!

The doctor that performs the colonoscopy is called a Proctologist. As I was waiting for my procedure to begin I started to wonder … who goes to medical school and says “I wanna look at butts all day”? Not to offend anyone, but my guess is a Proctologist is the guy who was just about to fail out of med school and the school said “Hey wait … we need a butt specialist”! But I digress…

Yes, the prep is the worst thing about a colonoscopy. See, when you have a colonoscopy performed they knock you out. I remember lying on the bed and the nurse saying “OK, we are going to go to sleep now” and I said “I really think one of us should stay awake” … and that was the last thing I remember. Next thing I knew I was laying in a recovery room with a nurse standing over me saying “OK Mr. Lynch, all set … I just need you to pass gas and then you can go home”.

Passing gas is something I have never had a problem doing … I’ve just never been able to do it on demand and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to start now. It was time for me to use a skill I perfected in middle school. As soon as the nurse stepped outside the curtain I stuck my right hand into my left arm pit and LET IT RIP! I wasn’t standing on an aircraft carrier or nothing, but I felt like I had a banner over my head that read “Mission Accomplished” … it was time for me to go home!

From what I understand I am free and clear from any poking and probing for another 10 years and my Eco was painless. If you’ve never had one of those it’s just like an ultrasound they give a pregnant lady, except of your heart. The pictures are pretty neat too. I actually asked for a copy of one … I want to send it to my ex-wife, for years she told me I didn’t have a heart and now I had medical proof I DO!

My Brain Defrag Post!

They say a brain is like a computer … or is a computer like a brain? Either way, they are alike. So this morning when I walked into the kitchen and couldn’t remember what the hell I had gone in there for I decided it must be time to defrag! You know when your computer gets bogged down with files you don’t use any more and it starts to run slow? You delete files you no longer need and then let the computer “reorganize” itself. I decided it was time to do that with the old noggin.

I know a lot of stuff, admittedly, most is useless information. And although the useless stuff is interesting to throw out at parties I believe it’s taking up space needed for useful information; like what the hell I went in the kitchen for this morning. So in my infinite wisdom I decided if I wrote down some useless information, stored it on the information super highway, I wouldn’t need to remember it any more. I could let it go and free up some memory space. Not sure it will work, but what the hell!

I have always been a fan of “phrase origins”; you know, why we say the things we say. For instance, way back in the day they had a tendency to bury people who were still alive. Now I can only assume it was by accident, but it was a common occurrence. So what they used to do was run a string down to the body in the grave. Above ground that string was then attached to a bell. If the “dead” person woke up they would simply pull the string, which would ring the bell and let everyone know they were still alive and needed to be dug up. These people became known as “Dead ringers”. It was also someone’s job to sit in the cemetery all night listening for the bells … it was called the “graveyard shift”.

When I was younger I worked as a tour guide at the House of Seven Gables in Salem, MA. It honestly was one of the best summer jobs I ever had. I even played Nathaniel Hawthorne during the Haunted Happenings for Halloween. Back then I had to put powder in my hair to make it look gray … now? Not so much, it’s all natural!

Working at the Gables I got to meet a lot of interesting people and also got to learn a lot of interesting “phrase origins”. I have been holding onto this information far too long and I think I need the space in my brain, so it’s time to write them down and let them go … careful, you may learn something here!

Back in the Hawthorne days beds had ropes that held the mattress up. These ropes would become loose over time and you needed to tighten them. You would then use what they called a bed key to tighten the ropes... that is why we “Sleep tight”. Also, people would gather leaves, grass clippings and other yard waste materials to make their mattresses. Of course these all had bugs in them as well, so it’s best to advise someone to “Sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite”.

Have you ever referred to something or someone as being “dead as a door nail”? You can thank the rich people from the 1800’s! Nails were very expensive back then so if someone wanted to show how wealthy they were they would pound nails into their front doors. The more nails, the more money they had. Of course poor people couldn’t afford nails so at night they would go around to all the rich people’s homes and steal the nails from the front doors. To prevent this from happening, the rich people would pound the nail half way in and then bend it over into the surface of the door. Now the nail was virtually useless … and considered DEAD.

Oh, and speaking of poor people … when nature called they had to run out to the outhouse, even in the middle of January. Rich people could afford to have a “chamber pot” that was stored under the bed. When nature called for them they simply slid it out, answered nature’s call, and slid it back under the bed until morning. Poor people would have to face the elements and trek to the outhouse because they couldn’t afford “a pot to piss in”. Rich people could also afford to put a second floor on their homes, and that’s where the bedrooms were. So in the morning the youngest child or servant whose job it was to empty the pot, would simply open the window and dump the contents out the window. Poor people couldn’t afford that so they didn’t have “a pot to piss in OR a window to throw it out”. I’m not 100% on this one, but I’m pretty sure the phrase “heads up” may have also been coined sometime around this period.

Well, that’s all the “defragging” I have time for right now. And, I’m drawing a blank on other “phrase origins” that I’ve stored in my head. I’m sure they will come to me the next time I am standing in the kitchen asking myself … what the hell did I come out here for!

Drinking ... A true story (or 2)

I like to drink! In fact I am enjoying an ice cold beer as I type this. It’s not a bad thing as I consider myself a responsible drinker. Some people can’t drink… well, they CAN but they shouldn’t! Those are the people that can’t handle their booze, I like to call them amateurs.

I think people that drink get a bad rap in society. For instance if I was to sit down and drink 23 beers in one sitting people would say “he probably has a drinking problem” … BUT, if I was to sit down and eat, say, 23 hotdogs, those same people would give me a crown and call me the National Hotdog eating Champion. So with that being said, I’d like to crown myself the National beer drinking champion. Now I will even go as far to accept anyone’s challenge who wants to un-crown me … I may not win but we’ll have a hell of a time getting there, am I right?

My drink of choice is simple, I’m a beer guy. I drink beer. I don’t mind a nice cocktail every now and then but when I’m gonna get my drink on I stick to beer. I can’t stand wine and actually have no idea how to even buy it … I like to keep things simple and wine just has too many rules and names I can’t pronounce. I used to like to drink shots of tequila but when I’m drinking that I usually ended up fighting or flogging all night, then I got married to my first wife and spent all night fighting about not flogging so I gave up tequila. See, told you I was a responsible drinker!

Also, beer has never really gotten me into any serious trouble or bad situations … can’t say the same for tequila. In fact my 1st marriage was the end result of one too many tequilas! I got drunk one night, asked this girl to CARRY me, she miss understood and thought I said MARRY me… next thing you know I’m walking down the aisle with Satan’s Sister. Since that day me and Jose Cuervo have not been friends!

Now I don’t want to say that beer has not gotten me into some pretty sticky situations … actually I WOULD like to say that, but I’d be lying. But they haven’t been BAD situations, awkward at times sure, but never bad. When I drink beer I become happy … very happy. I tend to tell people how much I love them over and over again. In fact if you ever want me to do something best bet is to ask me when I’ve been drinking, I ALWAYS say yes! I can’t count how many times drunk me has made a promise for sober me that hung-over me would have never agreed too! But really, is there anything better than a happy drunk?

Another thing about me when I drink … I come up with the BEST ideas. Granted, I usually can’t remember most of them the next day, but if I could I am sure I would have been a millionaire by now. With the BEST ideas also come the not-so-best ideas, which unfortunately I seem to have no problem remembering. Let me share a few with you now…

I’m going to guess it was around 1992ish. I went to Florida to visit a friend from High School. We went out drinking, I drank beer and around 1:30 in the morning I decided I wanted to go bungee jumping. Let me remind you this is Florida and YES they have bungee jumping places that are open at 1:30 in the morning, don’t ask me why. I make the announcement that I want to go bungee jumping (another trait I seem to inherit when I’m drinking is I become loud … it’s really hard to say you missed something I said.) Here is how THAT conversation went:
ME: I want to go bungee jumping!
My Buddy: WHAT? WHEN?
ME: Yeah, now! While I have the courage!
My Buddy: Someone just died last week doing that, the bungee snapped!
ME: OK, THAT’s the place I want to go to … I’m going to guess they have the newest bungee in town! But if we get there and they have the thing tied in a knot, I wanna try another place!

Now I don’t know if you have ever been or seen bungee jumping in a city. It’s not like they show on TV, over a nice big body of water and you jump off a bridge. No, it’s over an air mattress and you jump from a crane! Isn’t it amazing what people will do for some excitement? Off to the bungee jumping place we go!

Before you are allowed to jump you have to fill out all these releases and legal paperwork saying you won’t sue them if things go bad. At least I THINK that’s what they said, I really didn’t read them I just signed them and awaited my turn to plunge off a perfectly good crane, strapped to what I was hoping was the newest bungee in town, over an air mattress that looks as if it’s only really going to be good enough to keep my remains located in one general area if something went bad. Then I have this conversation with the guy who works there:
Him: You ever do this before?
ME: You mean people do this twice? WHY?
Him: You afraid of heights?
ME: I was until about 6 beers ago!
Him: Oh, you’ve been drinking?
ME: Hell yeah, no frocking way I’d do this sober!
Him: Oh, you can’t jump if you’ve been drinking.
ME: That’s OK, I don’t really plan on jumping … more like falling!
Him: No, I can’t let you go up there if you have been drinking, you have to be sober!
ME: Serious? C’mon, how sober do you think the first asshole to tie a giant elastic to his ankle and jump off a crane really was?
And that is where my bungee jumping adventure came to an end. There is NO way I would EVER do something like that SOBER, that’s just crazy!

This next story has nothing to do with bungee jumping, but it does involve me climbing up on something. I’m beginning to think I also like to climb when I’ve been drinking. Which really isn’t all that smart … just means I’d have further to fall.

I was on a weekend away in Maine with some friends and of course we went out drinking. As we all know Maine is known for its lobsters, anywhere you look you see lobsters. Keep that in mind as this story progresses. So there I am with friends in Maine doing the bar tour thing. Hurry to this bar for a few drinks, go to this bar for a few more and so forth and so on. Now it comes to be about 1am and we are leaving our last bar and heading back to the hotel room. Good time to mention that I have once again been crowned “National Beer Drinking Champion” at this point. I am happy, loud and full of great ideas. As we walk out of this one bar I see it, in all its glory… a giant metal lobster statue type thing. It was like the skies opened up and the angels sang to me. Thank goodness for modern technology because I pulled out my phone and handed it to my buddy and said “Here, get my picture” then proceeded to run towards this lobster like a kindergartner towards his mom after the first day of school.

I think my buddy thought I was going to stand under the lobster, or maybe pretend his giant claws were grabbing me or something lame like that. But no, I had bigger … GREATER IDEAS… I’m gonna climb the damn thing! Oh, did I forget to mention it was pouring out? Minor details to the National Beer Drinking Champion! As I begin to mount this monstrous lobster statue I realize water makes metal slicker, so I remind myself to be careful. I may have even said those words out loud, but I’d be damned if I was going to let that stop me!

I made it to the top, KINDA, and my buddy got the picture. And then I hear this: “Hey, get off that effing lobster” and I think there is a pretty good chance he’s talking to me… and in fact he was. So I respond “Sure, no problem” … that was a lie! It was a problem! My shirt had become hooked onto a shard of metal and I was sort of stuck. I mean I tried to slide down, but my shirt wouldn’t let me. I would have to somehow climb further UP to release my shirt. Now I try, in my nicest way, to explain this to the over-grown gentleman whose job it is to protect the over grown lobster, but he didn’t seem to really be concerned about my shirt.

It took me a few minutes to try to “free” myself from the lobsters “grasp” of me, and as I was doing it I really wasn’t paying attention to footing or the “slickery-ness” of the wet metal. Before I knew it I had lost my footing at just about the same time the lobster lost its “grasp” on me and tumbling off the lobster I went. I landed unhurt laying on my back with the giant lobster-statue-watching guy glaring down at me. I will admit, not one of my proudest moments. This is our conversation:
Him: Serves you right you asshole!
ME: (still laying on the ground) You put a GIANT METAL LOBSTER outside of a BAR and I’M THE ASSHOLE?

I got to my feet, picked up my torn shirt and what was left of my dignity and walked away … but I rode the lobster!

And here is the proof!

Hey, Have a good weekend and remember ... please drink responsibly!

They gave me a Top 5!

So as I sit here watching Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene do her thing I decided to check on the blog. After clicking around I found out that my blog actually has “stats”. This is where I can find out which one of the posts hase been read the most. It’s like a TOP 5 LIST. Pretty neat so I thought I’d share it with you (plus it’s an easy way to get out of updating! LOL)

The most read post on my blog, according to my stats page, is the 3 part series “Ahhh the great outdoors... as seen on Discovery”, my hunting camp adventure. If you would like to read it make sure you start at Part 1 then there is Part 2 and of course the conclusion, Part 3.

Coming in second is the Dunkin Doorman, an adventure I had one day in Boston.

The 3rd most read post on my blog is my stab at Internet Dating. Which, after re-reading just moments ago, I ran into the other room and gave Michelle a great big hug and told her how much I am TRULY thankful I met her? It’s a scary world out there Charlie Brown.

My dislike of all things Hands Free lands in the 4th spot.

And completing the list of the top 5 most read posts on my blog would be my observation of jogging.


Well it looks as if the worst of the "storm" is over and the only devastation here at my house is that it seems to have sucked the motivation right out of me... which really I don't find all that devastating. Seems like to perfect day to snuggle up on the couch with Michelle and watch some cheesy movies.

Stay safe everyone!